Satisfaction - How to Find and Keep It?

Do you ever find yourself wondering "Is this all there is? This home? This partner? This job? Shouldn't things be better?" The popularity of the song 'I can't get no satisfaction' by the Rolling Stones suggests that a certain element of impatience with life, even futility and disillusionment, is not uncommon.

"I can't get no satisfaction

'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try

I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm drivin' in my car

And that man comes on the radio

And he's tellin' me more and more

About some useless information

Supposed to fire my imagination

I can't get no, oh no no no"

(Rolling Stones)

So why can't we find and keep that feeling of satisfaction?

A perspective from positive psychology
The field of positive psychology suggests some obstacles to satisfaction.

The first obstacle is a hedonistic attitude. This is mistakenly assuming personal satisfaction only comes from 'wine, women and song'. The sensory pleasure of the moment may come from any number of things e.g. watching exciting sport or letting your hair down at a party, or enjoying good drink and food. But by prioritising pleasure one neglects engagement in meaningful activity and personal relationships that furnish a sense of satisfying purpose to your life.

A second obstacle to satisfaction is being focused on possible dangers around us. This is having a negativity bias. For example being more likely to remember and take seriously a putdown, criticism or insult than a piece of positive feedback or compliment. No wonder you are unhappy if this is preoccupying your thoughts.

A third obstacle is the attitude of 'Keeping up with the Joneses' Comparing oneself with others often results in feeling diminished e.g. if our furniture, car, holiday, or clothes happen to be less smart than theirs.

A fourth obstacle is having low self-control. The assumption is that satisfaction results from giving in to our natural desires, We are prone to taking the view of wanting something now rather than later. However, controlling impulses leads to happiness in the longer run. Putting off pleasures until later is necessary if we are to consistently pursue goals. For example if one's aim is to repay a debt, then one many never achieve this if one spends money when one feels like it. Otherwise we just create problems and frustration.

A spiritual perspective on satisfaction
I would suggest that a deeper appreciation of who we are profoundly influences our state of happiness. The obstacle here is our natural minded tendency. We each have a strong natural sense of self-awareness as a self-contained individual. We think 'I am myself.' 'This is my body'. 'This is my mind'. So we each seem to have a separate consciousness and life of our own. We live as if we were each an island unto ourselves. Out of contact with the notion of being connected to something bigger.

Subjectively, my sense of self is crucial. It gives me a sense of individuality and thus an important feeling of freedom and responsibility for personal choices. We feel full of life, we have the experience of feeling and thought. So it comes as a bit of shock to hear it suggested that we're actually more than we think we are. That all our feelings and thoughts come from outside of ourselves.

Yet this is exactly what several spiritual traditions maintain. They say this perception of oneself as independently real is a mistake. Instead, it is suggested that there actually is only one Self. Not myself but rather the Self that is my creative origin and spiritual source. The higher power of the Alcoholics Anonymous movement which has the ability to transform and heal the addict.

The mystics speak of the One as the only reality. The one goodness we can all learn to experience. Buddhists have a doctrine of no-self. The self hood that is an illusion. Christians say we are made in the image of God. Our life is God's life in us. This in contrast to the idea that the God of religion is invented by us and created in our image.

The spiritual philosophy of Swedenborg teaches that the only real life that gives happiness and satisfaction comes from the Divine Itself. If life on earth is created by the source of life, then it follows that we have no life of ourselves and are merely receivers of life from a higher source. This is not an argument for saying we cannot accept responsibility for how we lead our lives. As of ourselves we have been gifted the freedom to choose. To turn one way or the other. Nevertheless, if all goodness comes from the Source of Goodness then it follows that of ourselves we have no power to do good.

Illusion as an obstacle to satisfaction
This natural fallacy of the senses - that we possess life, abilities, strength and goodness of our own - can lead us astray.

Because of the illusion of having life of oneself, we are at risk of falling into self-orientation with its dangers of self-serving and self-interested behaviour. We are liable to forget the needs of others, of the principles of living we have learned, and lapse into a state of feeling alone, empty and dissatisfied with life.

"In this negative state we are open to all the evils that accompany it. And closed to all that is good and true" (Michael Stanley, spiritual teacher).

Egotistically, believing in only ourselves, we come to assume that happiness can only come from bodily comfort, social status and power.

Conclusion
This is only my point of view. But I would say don't fall for the illusion of the senses that says we each are alone; that we can find happiness in our own strength; that there is nothing beyond the material world. That leads to prioritising pleasure seeking, looking for threats, comparing oneself with others, and having low self-control - all obstacles to satisfaction.

One won't find satisfaction if one relies on oneself for happiness, on one's own intelligence, one's own abilities. Instead, when we turn towards deeper concepts about our spiritual source then will we find hope and inspiration. It means having a certain humility in wanting to see the possible personal relevance of the true Self to our daily life.

I am arguing that this Divine Self is the only source of lasting satisfaction. Finding this presence gives you hope, trust and guidance to escape from the life with which you now feel dissatisfied.

As a clinical psychologist, Stephen Russell-Lacy has specialised in cognitive-behavioural psychotherapy, working for many years with adults suffering distress and disturbance.